The Myth of Love That People Who Studied PUA Always Believe
I'm not a PUA supporter. In my opinion, the traditional PUA communities are spreading a myth of love to many men who really want to handle this area of life.
And many men pay for this myth, they become socially awkward, they don't be themselves, they become a social robot, they don't be natural and so on.
I pay for it too. Lost someone I loved the most and for a long time I can't be totally myself. This is all sucks.
So what myth do traditional PUA communities spread?
Traditional PUA gurus promote the idea that if you know how to play the game, you will win the game.
They assume all women are available at any given time, and you can get any woman into the bedroom with the right amount of game.
This is unrealistic at all.
What their mindset is, if you don't get her, it's because your game was sucks. If you do get her, it's because your game played well.
I don't believe the game. Many traditional PUA gurus promise that if you follow their game plan step-by-step you will get the girl you want. Please, my bro. This is totally BS.
I don't believe there's a formula that fits all women for you to get them to be with you. In my previous article I said attraction is the basic block of relationships, you need to be attractive at the first place if you want to be successful with women.
So did I promote a new surefire formula to replace the game formula? Something like you need to develop the needed attraction feelings at different stages of relationship so she is irresistibly attracted to you?
Don't get me wrong. I do mean that is how love and relationships work but I don't mean that is a formula. I don't even claim it must works every time.
In other words, I do not mean if you don't get her, it's because you're unattractive. And I do not mean if you do get her, it's because you are attractive too.
Because in fact you can still don't get her even if you are very attractive to her.
There are more things than that. For sure attraction is still the basics, but there's still one critical factor that many people neglect, I will explain it later on.
Many people chase for one never fails formula, they want to be a pickup artist, they want every woman around them fall in love with them.
Those self-claim PUA experts also notice there's no surefire formula even if they said their game plan works every time. Therefore, lately most PUA gurus and communities address that dating is a number game. They teach that you should cold approach as many women as you can until you find someone who is on like doing a business.
I want a love relationship, but not a business. I want to love and be loved. I'm not finding just anyone who is attractive to me and wants to be with me. Not to mention that spam approach any woman closes to you day and night is almost time wasting.
We want results and we don’t want to waste time. We want to play the game on “easy mode".
What they teach you is, you want to shoot as much as you can, and if you are lucky you will get one. Many PUA gurus get women by this approach, and they attribute it as the result of their super game. But in reality, there's no any skill involved in it, it happened just because after a number of tries they found a girl who likes to play game and the time they found her were the right time.
Myth of Love: Attraction Isn't King (Hint: availability)
You can't control everything
I want to teach a concept which is "availability". When a woman is available, she is open to make friend, have a date, down to fuck, and get in a relationship. When a woman is unavailable, she plays hard to get, she doesn't flirt with you, she refuses your ask for date, and others.
Not every woman is available all the time. Some guys just neglect this fact because they have been brainwashed by PUA communities. They secretly believe if they master the game they will get the woman no matter how the situation is, because they think they have hacked in women's mind, women just find no way and will surrender any soon.
This is the myth of love, women are not always available at any given time. Yes, you play your game well, but you can't control everything, not to mention she is a human. Men who believe in the game will overly think and analyze the situation, they assume women are giving shit tests to them, so they will stay in the game until they win the game.
Women can be unavailable for many reasons, some reasons we men don't even feel logical, because many women behave according to their emotions. There are some typical reasons that we always heard: she is not interested in you, she is in a committed relationship, she is with friends, she just breakup with her ex, she is very religious, she is with her family, she is socially awkward, she has bad social skills, she is shy/timid and the list goes on.
There's really a lot of reasons that can come up why she is unavailable at this time. And there’s nothing you can really do. There's no way you can manipulate and change her mind, chances are, you will be annoying her and just making yourself look creepy/weird.
Here's a real life example you can see:
The first time my boyfriend asked me out, I thought he was attractive but I was already interested in someone else, and I was waiting to see if the someone else was interested in me. So I didn't turn him down because I didn't fancy him, if you see what I mean. It turned out that the someone else wasn't interested in a relationship, so when my boyfriend asked me out again a couple of months later I accepted.
My point is, you can't know why a girl turns you down. Maybe she's already interested in someone else, or she's hung up on an ex and still hurting, or she only fancies white/black/Asian/whatever type guys... you probably assume that if a girl turns you down it's because you're unattractive, and that isn't necessarily the case. Even if it is the case, it just means you're not that particular girl's type, it doesn't mean that every girl will find you unattractive. You have to stop being paranoid; just ask girls out, and if they say no, don't take it personally - just shrug it off as being the wrong girl/wrong time and move on to the next one.
This is exactly what I mean, when a girl turns you down, don't take it personally, perhaps there's nothing wrong with you.
What you shouldn't do
Those guys who have been brainwashed will keep cold approaching women, keep targeting someone who is unavailable and take it personally as they need to practice more the game.
Most of them will make mistakes in dating and relationships because of false beliefs about love. Some examples of mistakes that most men will make are, they approach in awkward situations, they spam approach women, they try to follow a "checklist" when interacting with women, they try to force women to like them, they waste hours talking to girls who are unavailable, they don't see all women as the same, they try to pull women back to their place, they try to be someone else, they ask for numbers, they become emotionally attached, they go out to bars/clubs every night to have a one night stand and hopefully to keep her as their girlfriend, and so on.
Some guys will think that why not just 'next' the one who is unavailable and keep searching for those available. This is not wrong, but this becomes number game. I don't want you to be a guy who desperately wants to be in love, I don't want you get a lady because you are lucky after shooting a hundred times.
I want you have a relationship that comes up naturally and you both fall in love without trying. I want you enjoy the process of growth of the relationship. I want you have an amazing love that how awesome is the plan of God sending her to you.
Everyone wants a love that is admired by all people, you are not exception. There's really nothing special if you get your love by cold approaching chicks in bars/clubs for months.
People skills/ social skills are the foundation for you to be able to recognize what people are feeling and how they are reacting to you. It's your common sense when comes to relationships. You want to use your senses to detect whether that hot woman has some characteristics that indicate a willingness to have some fun/ a wild side or not.
In other words, screening is about using your senses and people skills to test how available this woman is with the verbal and physical interaction between you and her. Pay attention to what she said, what she did, and what was her general mood is.
Through your ability to screen a person you are able to find out the information about the woman you are dealing with, as much and as fast as you can. So you can make a general and reasonable assumption about the level of her availability (to be your girlfriend). This allows you to know whether you have a chance to be with this woman or not, and you will know how much effort you need to put in.
Therefore, you have to improve your people skills so you have the ability to read people. So you won't waste your time on someone who is literally unavailable, you also won't believe into the false game plan: try to manipulate her mind and overcome her shit tests. It's just useless and it's invading her personal boundary.
One thing about the availability you need to know is, most women are not available. They don't turn on with guys they just meet, they tend to protect themselves because they don't know what your intention is.
This is why I said proximity is king. When you have a mutual social circle with the woman you like chances are she will not feel as much insecure as if you are a stranger. That will make her more open her heart and relax so her availability will increase. But that is not enough.
Most women who are available are not easy to deal with either. They can turn to unavailable in anytime, they only open to the idea if the right guy comes along. Therefore, you need to be that right guy and happen to talk to her when she is available. Right person at the right time, bang! You are in business.
Let me give you some ideas how a woman may reacts when she is available to you: she clearly indicates that she is interested in you, she is single, she just breakups with her ex and wants to get in a new relationship, she says you are hot, sexy, handsome, or you are her "type", she says you remind her of an ex, she asks where do you live, she keeps asking you questions, she clearly says she has nothing to do tonight, and the list goes on.
Do you get the picture?
Like the real life example shown above, you should take a little bit extra time to see what's really going. Always be the best version of you, use the power of proximity and don't rush in any situation, who knows what will happen next?
However, when you know clearly that this woman is never will be available in any soon, move on. Don't waste your time on her. Don't be an annoying person and leave her a bad impression of you.
Lets conclude, time is precious. You need to know how attraction and love work, don't spend your time on cold approaching women. Instead, you screen women how available they are. Screening will make you a selector, you feel less pressure when you know there's not all women are available. However, you select women, women select you too.
In fact, it's not you choose them, but they choose you. So you have to make yourself the most attractive and the best as possible. Improving yourself is the only way to be genuinely successful with women, so when you come across a woman who is available, you will not mess it up. The more attractive you are, the greater the chances to succeed with women.
About the author
Rio Yee is the Founder of WealthyLoveLife and is super passionate about helping people change their mind and take action to improve your important areas in life such as dating & relationships, personal finance and productivity.