3 Fundamental Emotional Needs To A Successful Relationship
Emotional needs are the fundamental factors that determine the interaction and quality in a relationship.
There're 3 types of emotional needs and each one is categorized into one type of attraction as I described in this article.
According to psychology, all kind of interaction is an activity that exchanges emotional energies. In other words, when we are connecting with other people, no matter how logical the conversation is, we are exchanging emotional energies with each other.
Basically we have two minds, emotional and logical. Human are motivated primarily by emotions but then explain the actions rationally. To more extent, human tend to make unconscious decisions and then use conscious decisions to justify them.
In other words, we tend to use emotions to interact and then form a conscious opinion of the other person. Chances are, wrongly form a conscious opinion of the other person will lead to the limiting beliefs.
How emotional needs influence our relationship.
Fundamental Emotional Needs in Dating:
Three levels of attraction
Sexual attraction (Attraction)
Feeling important or superior; feeling challenged.
Emotional attraction (Desire)
Feeling understood and appreciated; shared values and experiences.
Mental attraction (Goodwill)
Feeling safe and reliable; feeling trust.
In previous article I mentioned that at different relationship stage has different priority of emotion needs, as shown below.
Portion of attraction
75% sexual attraction
20% emotional attraction
5% mental attraction
15-20% sexual attraction
60% emotional attraction
20-25% mental attraction
Couple (long term)
15-20% sexual attraction
20% emotional attraction
60-65% mental attraction
But the figures are actually just the average figure, our emotions are not stable all the time, at this minute you may feel happy but the next minute you may feel anxious and this is normal psychology.
Therefore, the amount of emotional needs doesn't necessarily constant with the average figure. That means the priority of emotional needs can be changed at all relationship stages, especially when the relationship is long-term and stable.
Each emotional need will affect other emotional needs as well. For example, if your girlfriend negatively triggers your need for connection (lack of connection), your need for security can't be satisfied.
The case can also in vice versa, if you can't provide her the sense of safety and security but at the same time she feels there's a connection with you, chances are she'll be struggling about whether want to leave you or not.
She confuses what to do, she'll move back and forth between leaving you/moving on or staying/trying to change the situation.
Sometimes, the fact that you can't provide the sense of security may create a sense of status to some people, they feel you are a challenge and mysterious so they're attracted to you.
When we focus too much on certain need will suppress our other needs. For instance, when we pay too much attention on status such as chasing for money, fame, looks, and views from others will make us looks superficial and vanity and leave us feeling lonely (neglect the need for connection)and unsecured( neglect the need for security). When you focus too much on the status, chances are you neglect your inner being, so you don't feel content in your life and feel like your life is a mess.
If we focus too much on the need for connection, we will become needy, clingy and dependent on other people to feel happy, and this is what most nice guys do -buy her flowers, presents, and drinks, call several times a day, stalk people, etc. Women surely will not be attracted to you because you can't satisfy her need for status (sexual attraction) at the first place, and you also can't give her a sense of security because you are very sensitive. You may also just accept anyone who accepts you (neglect the status need) and may overlook your partner's flaws and accept her second level behaviors just to not lose her ( neglect the security need)
While if we focus too much on the need for security, we are easy to be jealousy, strong possessiveness, and obsession. It's easy to feel jealous if you prioritize your security need higher than other emotional needs. For examples, whenever you find your partner is going out with other guys and seemingly flirting with other guys, you will freak out immediately. A girlfriend may never leaves her boyfriend even though he doesn't love her and apathies to her due to she depends on his income to afford comfortable lifestyle.
As mentioned before, emotional needs can be changed all the time, technically the portion of each need is fit to the average figure just shown. But there's one factor will change the priority of needs - age. Different age has different emotional need that is more concern to - teenager will look more for status, youth will look more for connection, and middle age will look more for security.
If you don't understand her needs and which one she is seeking in a relationship, it's easy to mess up the relationship.
What should you do?
Master people skill
Now you understand that emotions play an very important role in a relationship. If a person can't attain the emotional needs he/she wants, chances are he/she doesn't feel great in the relationship.
In dating and relationships, if you can't satisfy her emotional needs in every relationship stage and daily fluctuated emotions, chances are your relationship will suffer.
That's why it's important to pay attention to her emotions instead of her words, because she would use rational mind to explain the emotional behaviors. The skill to understand people's emotions is also known as people skill/social skill. It's one of the fundamentals for success with women.
Once you master people skill, you will know what emotions should elicit for the best results and strongest connections. You will gain the ability to screen people.
Try to read her body language, what words and tonality she uses, put yourself in her shoes before analyzing the situation.
Resolve the conflicts
You also need to know your needs. Many men suppress other needs when they obsess over one need such as examples above. Once you know what your needs are, you need to learn how to communicate and negotiate your needs with your partner, so the conflicts between you can be solved.
Know your personal boundaries
Taking the risk being annoyed I want to say again you should focus less on speciﬁc behavior, and instead focus on emotions. However, you should understand your and her personal boundaries. If you can't satisfy her emotional needs, or she can't satisfy your emotional needs after putting efforts into the relationship, perhaps you two are not a good match.
Maybe it's because wrong time, or wrong person, who knows? Love is not enough. Even if you love her, you need to know when to make decision to end the unhealthy relationship.
Emotional needs are the basic needs in a relationship. To attain a good relationship, you want to be the best version of you. Don't stop to improve yourself, self improvement is a long journey. You deserve the life you want.
About the author
Rio Yee is the Founder of WealthyLoveLife and is super passionate about helping people change their mind and take action to improve your important areas in life such as dating & relationships, personal finance and productivity.