Attraction Vs. Love - Love Is Not Equal To Attraction
Attraction vs. Love. First of all, what is love? This is a question very hard to answer. Chances are, every person has different angles and perspectives about love. This is because all people have different growth path, past experiences and belief system, and these differences form different unconscious criteria about loving relationship for them.
The person that you would love is the one who meet your unconscious criteria. In other words, the person you loved must the someone who satisfies your emotional needs.
In my previous article how to attract a woman and make her want you, I explained to you that attraction can divide into three types of attraction and if you don't provide correct portion of each type of attraction at each stage of relationship chances are you'll mess up with your dating and relationships.
In the beginning of that article, I mentioned the hormones that make you feel attracted to someone, but I didn't discuss them over that article because it should be discussed in a new article. By understanding these hormones you'll be able to fix the dilemma between what is attraction and what is love.
To give you the full picture I would repeat some of the theories that explained before in other articles, thanks for your understanding and take it as a chance for revision. Let's now enter in the topic, attraction vs. love.
So, what are the hormones that cause you have feelings for a woman? They are dopamine and Oxytocin, and they represented different kind of attraction.
Attraction vs. love
When you feel someone is attractive, Dopamine pumps into your blood. This hormone creates sexual attraction, this is the hormone that makes you want to have sex with her. When a woman finds you are sexy, Dopamine pumps into her blood. After that she will seek an emotional need from you which is status, only you satisfy this emotional need then the sexual attraction will be stable.
See how this is important for you, if you can't make Dopamine pumps into her blood, aka make her feel you are sexy, she would never think of having sex with you. If she never think want to have sex with you, you are no different than her other female friends, you are a sexless object in her eyes.
Basically, Oxytocin release when she has a bonding with you, she would feel trust, compassion, and comfort when being with you. Most modern men are generally good at doing bonding stuff, but this is a huge mistake that most men will never know about. See also the 2 most common problems men have with women.
When Oxytocin pumps into her blood will give an emotional attraction, normally this will release when she becomes your friend/lover. Therefore, the emotional need for this attraction is connection or attachment. Oxytocin must be existed when comes to loving relationship, as mentioned earlier modern men are generally good at doing Oxytocin stuff, so there's less problem at here.
Furthermore, in my free book I mentioned bonding is one of the instincts of women. Therefore, even if you are weak at bonding part, she'll give you a hand on it. The trouble is many guys have limiting beliefs about love, they believe that if you want to make a woman likes you then you have to treat her nicely so she would feels you are a great guy and fall in love with you. See also why being nice to her doesn't work
The fact is if you want to succeed with women you have to trigger the sexual attraction at the first place, otherwise you'll be friendzoned because you are not a boyfriend material in her eyes. In other words, you want to make her release Dopamine towards you before the release of Oxytocin.
Let's see how these two hormones work together
When there's only exist of Dopamine, she's attracted to you sexually, but not comes to the level want to have a relationship with you. On the other hand, when there's only exist of Oxytocin, she liked you, but more on friend level. In other words, you are in her friend zone. And normally it's very very hard to turn on the Dopamine if Oxytocin releases before it.
If want to make the relationship works, Dopamine and Oxytoxin need to be existed together, and Dopamine has to come before Oxytocin.
See below if you still confused with what I mean.
Dopamine -> Sex
Dopamine and Oxytocin -> Relationship
Oxytocin -> FriendZone
Do you understand what is attraction and what is love right now？
Dopamine only -> Attraction
Dopamine and Oxytocin -> Love
Oxytocin only -> friend's like
If you can make a woman attracted to you, you can turn that attraction into love easily. It's pity that most men don't know what causes Dopamine release (what makes her attracted) and what causes Oxytocin release (what makes her more comfortable in a relationship).
Generally, being attractive is what makes her attracted. (The emotional need is status.) There're many things you can do to improve your attractiveness - perceived status, looks, financial position, and personalities such as self confidence, mysterious, assertive, humor, leadership, perseverance, etc. See: The top 10 aspects to improve your attractiveness
How to make her more comfortable in a relationship is important as well, in fact, many men fail to turn attraction into love due to lack of skills to strengthen the bond with the woman. (The emotional need is connection or attachment).
Although woman will help you on this if she is really into you, for example, I told a female friend that if a guy wants to be your boyfriend is suffering because you always want to win in an argument, she replied, if she loved the guy, she doesn't mind lose to him, he's the only one who can win her in an argument. However, if you are too bad at this area, for example, if you never sustain a conversation with your woman more than 10 minutes due to bad conversation skills, chances are the relationship will come to an end, because you two have no way to get along with.
To make your partner more comfortable in a relationship you need to learn many skills such as communication skills, leadership skills, life hacks, screening skills, being more romantic, being more humor, know a lot stuffs such as funny places, delicious desserts, romantic restaurants, to afford these you need also learn time management skills, financial skills, etc.
I will cover all these in my website gradually because my intention is to give you the full picture so you don't fill the missing gaps yourself and make new limiting beliefs on these areas.
To summarize, when you are sexy to her Dopamine will pump into her blood so she's attracted to you. Being attractive is the only way to do this. When you strengthen the bond with her Oxytocin will pump into her blood so she subconsciously feels has a connection with you, and then the attraction turns into love.
You need to learn many skills to strengthen and maintain the bond with her. But if Oxytocin releases before Dopamine releases she won't see you as a boyfriend material, so you'll be friendzoned. Normally this happens due to being a nice guy, that's why people say nice guys finish last.
Rio Yee is the Founder of WealthyLoveLife and is super passionate about helping people change their mind and take action to improve your important areas in life such as dating & relationships, personal finance and productivity.